I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
