my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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