When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
