i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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