Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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