I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
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The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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