I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
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