My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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