At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
