the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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