i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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