I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
