my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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