i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Randomize
