I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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