Only a mothe r could love this liver
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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