I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
