did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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