found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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