Pappa wants mamma naked
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
