Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
