he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I party with great urgency now.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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