FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
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we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
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I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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