Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
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