Me. At least after what I've been through.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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