Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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