Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Ladies don't puke and tell
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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