I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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