apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
