His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
