So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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