WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
