i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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