I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
