The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
