Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
