I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
