a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
