my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
