Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
