I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
