Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
