i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
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