i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
