the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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