I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
