I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
