dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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