well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
