so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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