so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
