I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
