I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I am spending my child support on dildos
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
