Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
operation have a gay friend backfired
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
