32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
