Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
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i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
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Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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