Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
