if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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