I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
