I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
