Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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